Food Purists Can Suck It

Don’t let a snooty chef tell you how to make happy tastebuds.

Gordon Ramsey is an asshole. Even if it’s only for TV.

So is any chef that berates, belittles, and bashes you for modifying your food to make it the way you like it.

This goes double for Italians that live to get mad at Fettuccini Alfredo for existing (it’s not a real Italian dish, but they were on the side of the Nazis, so we don’t care what they think).

Those militant food gatekeepers can take a long walk off a short goddamn pier. I’m on Team Happy Tastebuds. And you should be too.

Action Bronson went to the Culinary Institute of America, worked in some killer NYC restaurants, and has his own food show that he films while touring the world as a rapper. He knows food, still does whatever the hell he wants, authenticity/food purity be damned.

If you want mayo on your Banh Mi, go for it. Or mustard, even. Go nuts.

If you think your Philly Cheesesteak needs sautéed mushrooms, then you better put some sautéed mushrooms on that jawn*. And to hell with Cheese Whiz, throw some Swiss on it and watch Eagles Fans lose their entire minds.

If you like putting sugar in your spaghetti sauce, absolutely scoop that shit in there. Please don’t make me watch, this is a borderline crime for me.

If you love Fettuccini Alfredo, I hope you cook it in front of one ass-mad Italian dude. While reminding him his country fought for the Nazis.

All I ask is that if you’re trying a dish for the first time, try it the way it was originally intended to be eaten BEFORE you go all Dinner Plate of Doctor Moreau on it. Just once. For posterity’s sake.

If you make New England Clam Chowder, decide “oh this is garbage” and need to dump a pound of Old Bay seasoning in there: DO IT. And god bless you for it, my fellow Marylander you beautiful bastard.

How do you think the Peanut Butter and Banana sandwich came about? Someone tried a PB&J and went, “well that sucked”, and tried something else they thought they’d like more.

And guess what? That sandwich is pure mouthsex.

So go ahead, tweak the recipe you didn’t like to make it enjoyable for yourself. You’ll either start the next new trend, or get weird looks. Who cares?

They’re YOUR tastebuds. I can’t experience your tastebuds. Neither can Gordon Ramsey.

If he could, it would explain why he’s grouchy all the time. Tons of people out there are putting their tongues in assholes. Us millennials are a horny, dirty bunch of heathens.

*(Jawn is a Philly thing. Google it, dork)

Chef4Fingers is an idiot who likes to throw a tiny dash of angostura bitters into his creme brulee because Why The Fuck Not? When he’s not at your mom’s house, he can be found here on Medium, and on Twitter as TheChef4Fingers.

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