How would you know what was enough?

Don’t tell people what you think their path of recovery should be.

I was talking to my boyfriend after an episode. I was feeling vulnerable and sad. I just wanted to talk.

He got angry with me. “If you have problems, you should do something about them.”

This was after telling me to move on and let it go. I wasn’t responding much because I have heard this told to me before, by other men, who have no idea what they are saying. I didn’t want to think he was one of them. I thought if I kept quiet, we would move away from this conversation and pretend like it never happened. I know he didn’t say it to be cruel. I know he’s trying to help. Except, this is not how to help someone trying to move through life with trauma.

He told me I should tell my parents about my childhood abuse. My eyes started tearing up reading what he was saying, thinking of a situation that would never happen. It was something I was not capable of, at least not now. He was talking about with the casual air of a person who has no idea of what that situation would mean.

It’s not a big deal. Tell your parents you were abused 12 years ago, right under their noses, by a family friend’s husband; someone whose friendship they cherish.

What terrifies me more than anything; is how it would destroy me if they chose to not believe what happened to me. But he doesn’t get it. We can take them to a therapist then.

Is it really so hard to think from another person’s perspective? Can you really not see the consequence of your suggestion playing out? I have orthodox South Indian Christian parents. They are pretty strict when it comes to certain things in life. The way they perceive things are kind of backward at times. I don’t know what their reaction will be when having to face something like this.

I can’t even imagine what my mental state would be having to go through that.

When I can’t even deal with it on my own sometimes.

My boyfriend told me I need to get rid of “anything that hinders my growth”. This isn’t the list of 10 things to do to improve productivity. This wasn’t about my laziness. This wasn’t about writers block. This wasn’t about growth.

This has to do with a person’s mental health.

It has to do with pain.

People deal with their pain and their trauma in different ways. Some people may see therapists or counselors. Some people might be close enough to their parents to have conversations about their mental health. Some people hold it in because they can’t seem to find the right people to open up to.

He told me he was always listening but that I was never doing anything about this. He felt he would never have the chance to see me overcome my problems.

Do you know what saying something like that, to someone who is trying to overcome trauma does?

Makes them feel guilty for sharing.

We open up to very few people, in the fear that you will eventually say “I am tired of you talking about the same thing over and over again, why don’t you try and get help from someone who can actually help you. Because I can’t.” “It happened so long ago, why are you not over this yet?” “It’s time for you to let it go” “Why can’t you just move on?”

When you do say things like that, we realize we made a mistake again. We shut down. We only show you our happy faces, our smiles, our funny stories.

You may see a very clear path for me. A very obvious solution to what you think my “problems” are. You don’t have on the blinders that I do. You don’t see the thorny bushes or boulders blocking my path. You don’t see the path I will have to walk alone if this journey goes wrong.

You cannot get angry with people trying their hardest to move through life the best way that they can; what they are capable of without burning out. Just because you think it is not enough. How would you know what was enough?

Maybe getting up and out of bed every morning is what someone is capable of. Do you know how hard it is for someone who does not want to not exist anymore, to wake up every morning?

I apologize if this seems like a rant. Maybe it is. Venting to strangers online is therapeutic I’ve heard.

R.M.J

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