How My Inner Child Took Me Home

‘We shall not cease from exploration.’

Living a life of fear, anxiety and self-centeredness is a lonely one. That was my life for well over half a century. My weak ego was a wonder to see. I was the most interesting person I knew. Just ask me. Always ‘slaying the dragon’ while I saved the day, I was a hero in my own mind. While the exterior of my life appeared more than adequate with all the rewards of success, those outsides did not reflect my insides. The dreams I followed were no more unusual than others. But I carried my share of issues, many I did not recognize, even with plenty of therapy.

It’s been my experience that many of us are ‘walking wounded;’ some of us carry more trauma than others. My was a self-centered desire to prove to the world that not only did I deserve to exist, I deserved everything and anything I wanted if I could justify it-sometimes not even that. I just wanted what I wanted. Plagued by doubt, guilt, and daily anxiety, I was a walking doormat of the people-pleasing variety with no boundaries. This was my life until the ripe old age of 66.

One day on assignment in Paris for my company I picked up a book by the recovering alcoholic Catholic priest: John Bradshaw. I remembered watching his PBS programs in the 80’s about the family. I ordered his book: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child. Never one for organization and focus, I realized that I was desperate enough finally to try to get to the bottom of my own trauma and emotional pain before it was too late so I read the book methodically like a cookbook. I followed the instructions to the letter as I did every exercise in the book.

One morning as I waited for my train, preparing for my 45-minute ride to work in the busy metro station of Chatelet, a feeling of sadness descended over me like a grey shroud. Tears began streaming down my cheeks. “It’s here.” I said to myself. “Go with it. Stay with it.”…

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